(...) = Parts that I couldn't hear clearly/were hard to understand. Sorry. Do feel free to fill them in.
Panty and Stocking: Excretion without honor and humanity!
Garterbelt: Daten City, a town flinging to the threshold between heaven and hell. With a piece of its human inhabitants, it's regularly threatened by foul-tempered, evil spirits. A faded darkness lodged in the cracks of troubled souls will have struck this town today, unnoticed. However, there are some who wield a light beyond all human understanding, and ascend their stools of righteousness to eradicate those shadows bound by the bowels of Hell. But who could it be given the two that are eliminating this darkness? Are they servants of God, or minions of the devil?
Guy: Shit, what the hell is going on?!
Garterbelt: Having a good morning, Panty?
Panty: That's your cue to go, sweet-cheeks.
Guy: So, I'll call you and-
Garterbelt: And how you feeling this morning, Stocking?
Stocking: Fuck off. Don't talk to me until I've had my goddamn sugar.
Garterbelt: Heaven has blessed us with a clue that should lead us to another ghost to take out. Listen up! Water closet, that means bathroom. We have reports of people being suddenly and inexplicably sucked into their toilets, almost as if the commodes are eating them alive. Taking a massive dump is one of the most vulnerable positions a person can find themselves in. Or someone or something to pray upon their weaknesses is a vicious and tangible act. Whoah, this be the work of a ghost, y'all!
Panty: All I need out of life is to wake up next to some morning wood.
Stocking: Is there anything hard you refuse to jump on?
Panty: Oh, stop it with the self-righteous bullshit, everyone's got a hobby.
Stocking: Yeah, that's true. I'll just stick with sugar.
Panty: Don't you ever crave protein?
Stocking: Don't you ever not?
Panty: What? It's good for you. Ain't that right, Garter?
Garterbelt: Shut up! First of all, why the fuck you think I know the answer to that? And secondly, if you don't wanna be stuck here forever, the only option you pathetic excuses for anything resembling angels have is to buy your way back into Heaven with Heaven Coins you collect exterminating evil ghosts! Contrary to popular belief, you are not here to collect men or sugar! So focus and stop acting like fat-ass hoes!
Stocking: So, what are you thinking?
Panty: Ah, fuck it. Let's go.
Stocking: What is it, Panty?
Panty: You ready to roll?
Yeah! I love how See-through always gets us wherever we need to go with some motherfucking style! Get it, girl! Get it!
Woman: Haha! Yes! It's never flowed better. Oh God, you are a master at your craft.
Plumberman: Uh, yeah, thanks. Yeah, I'll stop by later and check up on it.
Woman: My, aren't you just the sweetest darn thing? But I think you need to stay a bit longer cause I've got something else you can check up on-
Panty: Bingo! Found him!
Stocking: A toilet and a plumber dude?
Panty: Yeah, that's him.
Stocking: Are you sure?
Panty: That's the fucker we're looking for. Isn't that right, asshole? Tell me, do you feel lucky, punk? Well, do ya? Do ya?
Stocking: That might not be him.
Panty: I don't think it's him.
Stocking: Color me shocked.
Plumber: Please stop hitting me, it really hurts. I haven't done anything.
Panty: Fuck, you're a hot piece of ass.
Woman: You are preaching to the vag, sister!
Panty: Hang onto these for me.
Panty: Oh! Yeah! Well, he's feeling lucky now.
Stocking: But he was just a plumber.
Panty: So true, and my pipes are totally clean.
Stocking: How long have you been waiting to use that joke?
Panty: Fuck, it seems like forever. I couldn't not, you know what I mean?
Garterbelt: What are you saying?! You mean you failed?! You acting like you don't even give a shit! *Beats Chuck* O Lord, grant me the patience! Let's just fucking eat!
Panty: *belch* Shit, was that good.
Stocking: Your curry is unreal, Garter.
Garterbelt: *laughs* That's cause it's black baby. You won't ever go back.
Stocking: So, what's up for dessert? I'm guessing chocolate. Oh, for no reason in particular.
Panty: Well, I don't give a shit. So I'm gonna go take one. I'll be in the can if you need me.
Stocking: Don't let the toilet eat you.
Panty: Oh, screw off!
Stocking: We should have picked up some chocolate bombs from the Meta Muffin bakery! Those-
Panty: Does she even hear what she's saying?
Stocking: –tasty brown goodness in my mouth all the time!
Panty: Fuck! Shit! Ahhh! Stocking! Stocking! Help me, goddamn it! Stocking!
Stocking: Shut up, Panty! No one wants to talk to you while you're taking a dump, it's so disgusting! I hope you shit your face off while you shit in yourself if it makes you feel any better. HAHAHAHA!
Panty: Fucking shit!
(Panty flies out of the toilet)
Panty: Okay, I get it now.
Garterbelt: Okay, you get what now?
Stocking: Maybe the rice curry.
S and G: *hurl*
Panty: Oh yeah, I get it.
Stocking: Well, we don't get it.
S and G: *hurl again*
Townsman 1: What the hell is that thing?
Townsman 2: It looks like a huge-ass scoop of chocolate ice cream!
Toddler: Hey, I want some, yummy!
Officer 1: Freeze, shithead!
Officer 2: Don't make any sudden movements!
Big Brown Eye: Shit, fart, doo-doo!
Officer 3: Holy shit! What the fuck are we gonna do?
Officer 3: Oh, no offense, preacher man. But Jesus God, what is that?
Garterbelt: Unfortunately, you be starin' into the brown eye of an evil spirit.
Officer 3: Ah!
Garterbelt: The negative energy created by all the plumbers who suffocated and died from the stench of clogged-ass toilets has manifested himself into a vengeful spirit. This powerful ghost utilized all the fecal matter in the city to achieve this pooty-poop physical form.
Officer 4: That's disgusting.
Officer 5: Oh God, he's gonna spew.
Officer 6: I don't think I can handle any more bodily functions.
Garterbelt: Suck it up, dude. Not literally though–oh shit, I'm gonna hurl again.
Officer 3: Please don't tell me prayer's the only thing that can get us out of this.
Garterbelt: Why the heck would I tell you that? God ain't even here right now. Prayer can go to hell, man! We got angels! Panty and Stocking, you're up!
Officer 7: What, you're talking about that walking turdsicle over there?
Officer 8: And that goth chick next to it who obviously has daddy issues?
Panty: It's time for us to flush the toilet.
Stocking: Number 1, that was cheesy. Number 2, you smell like shit.
Panty: How about I buy you a cake from that fancy bakery and you manage to do this without saying another fucking word?
Stocking: As long as what I'm saying now doesn't count, I'm in.
Panty: Then let's make this fucking fucker pay for covering me in this fucking shit, okay you can reply to that.
Stocking: Let's rock.
P and S: O pitiful shadow lost in the darkness. O evil spirit born of those drifting between Heaven and Earth. May the thunderous power from the garments of these holy delicate maidens strike down upon you with great vengeance and furious anger. Shattering your loathsome impurity and returning you from whence you came. Repent, you motherfucker!
Big Brown Eye: This blows!
Garterbelt: Good, angels. You got a coin.
Panty: All that for just one?
Garterbelt: Yeah, one closer. So, quit your bitching..
Gaterbelt: The evil has been vanquished, so rings the bell. At least I'm assuming that's why it's ringing.
Stocking: Now keep your promise and go buy me that cake. I need sweet, stat.
Panty: Yeah, yeah. Look, I've found a tasty little treat for me too.
Guy: Whatever you say man, you're an angel.
Garterbelt: You still have a punishment to face.
Stocking: Ooh, like what, bondage?
Garterbelt: What would I get outta that?
Panty: Uh, yeah, I've got plans so you could leave me the hell alone.
Garterbelt: There lies a city on the faultline between Heaven and Hell, Daten City. Where humans live under the constant threat of attack from evil spirits. Darkness invades people's hearts, and not one person realizes that it is consuming the city... There are those two who seek to obliterate these manifestations of human desire with transcendent light. Has the duty of repelling the darkness fallen to the messengers of God or the servants of Satan?
Guy: Goddamn, what the hell's going on?!
Garterbelt: Good morning, Panty.
Panty: See ya later.
Garterbelt: Good morning, Stocking.
Stocking: Morning... Morning sugar...
Garterbelt: We have been blessed with another hint from the heavens above. Stand! As of late, there have been several cases of humans being eaten by toilets! Humans are most vulnerable when they're engaged in excretion. It is an evil and dastardly deed like no other! It must be the work of the Ghosts!
Panty: You gotta love morning wood.
Stocking: You really have no standarts, do you?
Panty: It's crazy good. Three spins and half a twist when you wake up.
Stocking: I'm more interested in sugar.
Panty: How about protein?
Panty: It's good for you. Ain't it right, Garter?
Garterbelt: How would I know?! Listen to me! If you obscene angels don't want to be dropped, your only choice is to collect Heaven Coins by defeated those accursed Ghosts on the surface! You are not here to collect men or sugar! Get that through your heads!
Stocking: We know.
Panty: Fuck it, let's roll. Stocking.
Panty: Let's do this!
Panty and Stocking: Woohoo!
Panty: Pedal to the metal! See Through, go!
Woman: You're so good with your hands.
Plumberman: Thanks for employing me. I'll be back later for a quick inspection.
Woman: Such a hard working young man... Wanna come inside for a drink? I need you to inspect my plumbing.
Panty: Bingo! Found ya!
Stocking: A toilet and a young man.
Panty: You're the one?
Stocking: He's the one?
Panty: He's the ghost? Is that it?